Divorce Prevention is a marriage counseling approach where the client is the MARRIAGE. The purpose of such relationship therapy is to SAVE the marriage. In order to do so, both partners must be willing to engage in a productive dialogue, listen to one another, and begin, again, to rediscover what made them fall in love with one another in the beginning.
Marriage counseling provides couples with new skills to improve each partner's insights, understandings and abilities to communicate with and better accept their spouse. The tools to be taught include learning to own your part of the problem, taking responsibility for your own feelings, learning to put your partner's needs before your own (like you did when dating), listening to the other's point of view, discovering something new about your spouse each day and understanding your partners needs, fears and vulnerabilities. By emphasizing improvement in listening and communications skills you will each learn to be better mates and, in turn, get more of what you need out of the relationship.
Issues such as infidelity, sexual frustrations, affection and other intimacy needs as well as lack of conversation, differing recreational pursuits, work pressures and the stresses of children can be talked out and worked through in a non-threatening, encouraging, positive environment of a therapist's office.
Glenwood Testing Center psychologists can assist you in dealing with the emotional upheaval of an uncertain relationship and provide ideas to tackle even the most threatening subjects in non-judgmental, supportive ways.
Specific stressors like career issues, financial decisions, child rearing differences including the integration of step-children into the relationship as well as the division of domestic responsibilities can be profitably addressed in the counseling. By learning improved conflict resolution skills, additional problem solving strategies and techniques to make better decisions, your marriage can get back on track and, again, provide the emotional support and love it once did.
Contact us via e-mail or phone (815) 968-8133 for an appointment. Daytime and evening appointments are available.
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STRENGTHEN YOUR MARRIAGE:
Couples who are thinking about divorce would benefit from help in understanding the dynamics of their relationship and in replacing the dysfunctional ways of relating to each other with more functional ones, which could make the dissolution of their marriage unnecessary.
There are many small things that each partner in a marriage can do on a daily basis to re-ignite the love feelings that brought the couple together in the first place. When problems in marriage arise, they are most often caused by the couple forgetting what made them fall in love to begin with and by a decrease in showing each other love, respect and concern. By returning to the "courting" behavior that originally cemented the relationship, couples can learn to move closer to one another emotionally and mend the wounds that are hurting the marriage. Couples can learn to improve their connection and re-strengthen their bond to one another by engaging in loving behavior towards one another on a daily basis. Some ideas that can facilitate a renewal of love feelings include:
STOP THE FIGHTING AND REBUILD THE TRUST: Arguments attack the fabric of love that binds the relationship together. Agree to stop the hurtful, angry disagreements that make each of you feel sad, put down, injured and powerless. Learn to fight fair, if you must fight. This would include establishing simple rules to follow if you do find yourself disagreeing:
BE CONSIDERATE: Respect your spouse even during a disagreement by not using sarcasm or namecalling. Harsh words, put downs, swearing and other forms of disrespect should be avoided at all costs.
APOLOGIZE: When you have overreacted, broken the rules of fair fighting or hurt your spouse, be big enough to apologize and apologize sincerely and IMMEDIATELY. Don't be surprised if your spouse is not ready to accept the apology right away; if he/she was too wounded by your behavior, give her/him time to heal and try again later.
FORGIVE AND ACCEPT ONE ANOTHER: When your spouse does apologize for hurting you, be quick to embrace the apology. Forgiveness is very important in healing any wounds that a disagreement has caused. To hesitate to accept apologies or to withhold forgiveness just lets the wounds fester and prevent the restorative nature of love from bringing back closer to one another.
DO NOT ASSUME: We cannot read one another's minds so it is important to not assume we know what the other is thinking or feeling. Rather, because feelings and thoughts change over time always ask your partner what they think and feel. Try not to accuse each other of things but, instead, state your concerns or fears and ask if there is any merit to those causes of worry.
KEEP THE FOCUS ON THE PROBLEM: Stay on topic and do not engage in personal attacks. Stay in the present and avoid bringing up the past. Attack the problem and not the person and try not to personalize the disagreement. Admit to your part of the argument and "own" your hurtful or destructive behavior. Try to use "I" messages where you talk about how things effect you rather than focusing on "You" statement that make your spouse feel blamed. Handle one problem at a time and don't bring up unrelated topics, but rather, stay on topic until that problem has been resolved to the satisfaction of both of you.
USE ACKNOWLEDGED WITHDRAWAL: If you or your spouse needs a "time out" away from the upset or discussion, allow for a break but agree to resume the discussion when you have both calmed down. Let your partner know that you are too upset to continue the talk but that you will try to talk it through again later at an agreed upon time. Taking a walk, working on chores or hobbies, taking a nap or a bath or watching TV may help the hostile feelings subside and allow you to return to the discussion in a more calm, modulated manner.
MAKE TIME FOR ONE ANOTHER: set aside 15-20 minutes per day, minimum, to talk, laugh, share the days events, and discuss upsets and problems. However, doing so in a respectful, caring, non-judgmental way is extremely important. Do not let this relationship building time be poisoned by hostilities or harsh words. Love and support one another and seek acceptable solutions to issues that make each partner feel their opinion is worthwhile.
SHOWER WITH COMPLIMENTS: By telling each other, every day, the things you like about one another, you not only renew the love feelings, you remind yourself of those things in your spouse that drew you to them to begin with. Such compliments could take the form of verbal caresses like "you look lovely today" or short written notes outlining something you greatly appreciate or respect about your spouse. Short e-mails, phone calls or voice messages that are complimentary in nature go a long way to restoring positive feelings for one another. Hugs, winks, smiles and even "high fives" can provide the glue that fortifies the attachment between a couple.
LOOK AT THINGS FROM YOUR SPOUSE'S PERSPECTIVE: Try to understand and communicate that you are aware of how your partner looks at situations. Love your spouse, as he or she wants to be loved and try to be knowledgeable about, and meet, your mate's needs. Attempt to "walk in their shoes" with their background, feelings, and ways of looking at things.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER AT ALL TIMES: All of us want to be listened to and we need to feel that what we say is important and is being heard by our partner. Work as a team and seek to resolve the problem together. During an argument ask, "What can we do TOGETHER to solve this problem?" Then say what you are willing do to and make sure do it.
VALUE YOUR SPOUSE'S THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS AND TELL THEM SO
We all want and need to feel that what we think, say and believe is important. Let your spouse know that you genuinely appreciate his/her point of view. One of the primary reasons why you chose each other to begin with was probably that you did NOT always think the same--that you each had a unique perspective. Most of us are not attracted to a mate that thinks EXACTLY like us on all topics and it is that different way of looking at things that balances our own thoughts.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF; PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY: Dress well, eat right and exercise to keep mind and body in as good a shape as possible. Work with one another on how best to support each of your attempts at being healthy and happy. Making yourself happy and fit can help the marriage by generating renewed vigor and energy that can sustain the relationship even during trying times.
HONOR YOUR VOWS: Be faithful, reliable, dependable, responsible, loyal and honest. Re-stating your vows, verbally to one another every few months could help cement the bond you created during your wedding ceremony. No matter how long you have been married, regular reminders of your commitment to one another can provide strong motivation to continue to grow in your relationship and to ward off stagnation, boredom with one another, or outside threats to the long-term survival of your marriage.
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